One terrible problem almost all parents face is the anger or aggression of the child.This anger is seen in many forms :
1. the child switching from normal to extreme anger suddenly like getting triggered.
2. arguing back with equal force or anger.
3 .shouting or screaming at parents.
4. banging doors.
5. throwing or breaking things.
6. saying abusive words.
7. threatening to be violent.
8. hurting themselves like punching the walls.
9. In some cases actually pushing or hitting the parents.
It’s such a devastating thing for a parent to witness this anger can be seen at any stage as early as two or three years of age,but it’s most commonly seen when your cute little child transitions into this weird unpredictable creature called a “teenager“.We are going to focus on the angry teenager today.What are the causes of their anger ? There are three big ones :
1.The child’s biology in adolescence .
2.The child psychology.
3. Parents behavior towards them .
So when a child becomes angry at you the first question that we need to ask is…where is the mistake .Is it in second cause…the child’s psychology or the third cause…parents behavior. when a child is angry at parents,majority of the times some,mistake is definitely located in parents behavior.Which means that child’s anger is often justified or let’s say understandable.But then there are other times of course,when parents have done nothing wrong and the mistake is totally in child psychology.
Usually that mistake is,negative or irrational interpretations of the situation.Sometimes,they’re just displacing their frustration from something else,on to the parents.So the common sense says whoever is making the mistake,that person must change.This implies that as a parent,you need to both work on your behavior and the child psychology.And I recommend,start with yourself.So, what are the ways in which parents are making mistakes ? parents show all kinds of negative behaviors,consistently.
Some examples :
1. beating the children .
2. having angry outbursts on the children .
3. using sarcastic or derogatory comments .
4. using a negative or disrespectful tone .
5. criticizing or labeling their personality ability intentions.
6. comparing them with siblings,friends,yourself.
8. excessive nagging micromanaging their life and daily routine/
9. saying no for too many things or being too strict.
10. trying to change too many things about them etc
If you do any of these things on a continual basis… how do you think a child will react ? Really.Think about this what are you really expecting here ? “ hello beta I’ll just keep poking you with one thing or another…but you stay calm and talk to me nicely…“ do you think this is possible ? you as a parent are doing so many things which will be annoying for AANYBODY. No one else in the world would put up with that nonsense but you’re constantly dishing it out to your children.And to make things,worse the children can’t even leave you.They often wish they could just run away from all this negativity but they can’t they’re children they’re dependent on you ! they have to live with you.So you have a child,who feels disrespected repeatedly,and who cannot leave…of course they’ll be angry inside.
Now are you expecting that since you’re the parent,since you’re the elder one,since you’re the authority,they should stay respectful and not express their anger towards you ? do you think you can keep them quiet,when they are burning inside ? is that your ideal scenario ? “show me respect even though you are hating me inside right now ? “ if that’s your goal,how would you achieve this ? how would you suppress them ? the obvious answer is through fear and intimidation.Parents do this all the time.Some succeed too,but only temporarily,and with a lot of side effects.
See when children are younger,like before puberty,it’s easier to intimidate them…they fear you so they suppress their reactions.Instead of showing anger,they cry.But as they grow up,the fear starts subsiding.they start to feel like an adult inside.And by now they’ve seen all your tricks,they’ve survived all your threats,and they now realize that your threats are mostly empty.
In fact,they begin to see your weaknesses too.They know you worry so much about them,they know that you’re anxious about your reputation as parents,they know your dreams lie in their hands.They have seen your behavior from every angle,and you have become predictable.So remember this ! in their mind,you’re not this looming authority figure who they should fear,not anymore…you’re just this imperfect mortal being,who they know they can fight with and nothing much will happen.So why would they hold their anger ? Of course they’ll talk back,of course they’ll shout,of course they’ll throw tantrums.And that’s what shocks parents when it starts,“what happened to my cute kid ? she used to be so peaceful and obedient.Why is she so angry suddenly“ Well nothing happened suddenly.
The child was annoyed with you for YEARS. It’s just that,they’ve just gotten the courage to say it out loud.So,what should you do ?
- You can keep making your own mistakes and use domination and fear to force them into being nice and calm.Well,good luck with that.
- Reduce your mistakes,so that your behavior doesn’t make the child angry in the first place.
Here I would like to assure you…If you end your mistakes completely…Majority of the incidents where your child shows anger,will just disappear.The problemwill shrink dramatically.the wholeenvironment of thehouse will change.Ijust want to point out,that this won’t be a complete solution,because your child’s psychology is still imperfect,and they are also carrying some ignorance.In fact children can display some really nasty traits which need to be fixed too,but for that there are different techniques.Today’s concern,is PARENT’S mistakes.So let’s start with fixing them.
There can be many unwise things that you do to a child,like :
- attack on their ‘self’.
- suppression of freedom .
- unfair treatment .
- irrational rules or decisions .
- Inflexibility in communication.
Today I will discuss just the first one…’attack on their SELF’. You need to stop attacking your child this attack on their ‘self’ can be physical,verbal or nonverbal.First of all,all physical attacks like beating, slapping,thrashing must be stopped immediately.There’s no excuse for those,unless done in self-defense.if you read them,they won’t just be angry in that moment,they’ll develop resentment which will stay with them,maybe for the rest of their lives.It’ll make them angry every time they think of the physical abuse.then we come to the verbal and nonverbal attacks…That is the negative things you do towards them through words and body language.Every parent engages in it to some degree,and these attacks are a direct cause of their anger.These must be ended as well,or at least reduced to a minimum.If in one line,I had to tell you a super recipe to make your child calm and peaceful,I would say “be respectful to your child“.If I go to your home and ask your child right now, “does your dad respect you ? does your mom respect you ? “what would their answer be ? if their answer is NO,you’re doing something wrong.
Children,especially teenagers,must feel respected, or else, you’ll see anger in them.When they listen to you,if they feel attacked,they’ll fight back.And parents attack their children in so many ways… You need to stop all of them.Some examples,stop making sarcastic comments, “No more beta ! go play PUBG with your friends.That’ll get you a lot of marks in exams.“ Stop doubting them all the time, Save it.I don’t believe you’re sorry.I know you’ll bunk the class again.Enough of your lies“. Stop trying to prove them wrong forcefully, “the doorbell rank and you didn’t open the gate.That’s why the courier guy left. “Why don’t you accept your mistake ? why are you defending yourself “ .Stop attacking things that they love, “ it’s all because of that stupid girlfriend,that you’re not interested in anything else.whish have parents had some control on her“ Stop attacking their personality, “You argue so much.Why are you so close-minded ? “. Stop attacking their intentions,look at this.You just enjoy making a mess,don’t you ? I can’t keep cleaning.You don’t care about anyone but yourself“. Stop attacking their abilities, “what mistakes have I made that you’re so useless ? .You can’t do one thing right ! “.Stop comparing them destructively, “how can you act so dumb ? look at your brother.he also goes to school every day without fighting with other children,why can’t you do it ? “.Stop being ashamed of your child in front of others, “Ohh ! God you’re so embarrassing.Shut up,I’ve told you a million times you can’t sing so loudly in a restaurant ! “ .Stop rolling your eyes at them,stop making faces,stop your condescending hand gestures…There are so many ways in which you might be attacking your child every day ,and you don’t even realize it.
To become more aware of those mistakes,take the help of your own child.They are telling you every day,what’s making them angry…“mom why are you this extra mean when you talk to me ? “.
“Dad ! Don’t you don’t have to repeat everything thousand times.I got it. “. “Mom..Come on it’s morning ! Why do you have to shout so loud ? I’m eating at my own pace ! “ . “dad,I know what I’m doing okay ? You also made mistakes,don’t lecture me as if you’re perfect ! “. “ Mom,I’ve told you 100 times stop commenting on my marks in front of others ! “ .
Why don’t you get it when your child is angry ? They are also SAYING something to you,there’s your proof,listen to the sentences,focus on their meaning.They might be pointing towards your wrong behaviors.Take that feedback.Fix yourself.I would go so far as to say,go to your child and ask them , “beta ! what do I do that makes you angry ? They’ll have the answer ready.Whatever they say,stop and think about it.Take it seriously,work on it.Just remember,your slightest sarcasm,ridicule,
Condescension,criticism,negative tone…the child can sense it,just like anyone else can.So,you need to show unconditional respect.It’s never a good idea to make a child feel,they’re useless,worthless or non deserving of respect.Fix your words,fix your tone,fix your facial expressions,fix your hand gestures,fix your rolling eyes,fix your body language.Every fiber of your body must can be respect.
If you want a peaceful child,show them this baseline level of decency and regard,which you would do most human beings outside your home…like to a customer,to a friend,to boss etc. By the way you should apply the same wisdom in your marriage as well.Keep practicing for a happier home.that’s it.